Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
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Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.