Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
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My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.