What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
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It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
the answer was staring at me all along
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
who will stop them
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?