“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
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in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
A new level of troll.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”