[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
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You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!