Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
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Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen