The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
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I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
definitely did not do anything wrong
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.