The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
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If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*