Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
You Might Also Like
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
He’s dead
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.