I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
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Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it