First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
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Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
They did not miss in the small print
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’