Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
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I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
new year update: losing everything but weight
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?