A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
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“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I’m giving up ice.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot