*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
You Might Also Like
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
50 shades of grey = my Liver
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude