I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.