I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
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*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Lmao
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
🤣
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*