Grandmother clock.
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Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Safety first
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Whoa 😂
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Called it