Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
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Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.