I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
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I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure