If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
adding to the discourse
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows