My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
sistine chapel
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!