Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
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The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!