“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
You Might Also Like
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
What kind of a cult is this?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.