Realize this:
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Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords