“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
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If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.