If Mr Krabs owned a bar
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me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*