Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
The funk soul brother
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
They did not think through this water fountain
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!