Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
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I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Go hard or stay average
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
this came to me in a vision
felt that
never forget
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Mood.. 😂
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.