[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
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Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
My dating profile:
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!