10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
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WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay