The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
You Might Also Like
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
That’s easy for you to say
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.