My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
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BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.