Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
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“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
bought wrong eggs
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying