Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd