doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
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I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.