i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
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on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
that de-escalated quickly
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.