Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
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That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?