I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
You Might Also Like
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Things will get butter, keep churning
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)