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Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Customer is always right
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*