“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
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Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.