Has science gone too far?
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I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?