Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown