KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
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Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
What the hell happened here.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?