I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing