Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
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If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager