This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
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me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.