[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
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he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist