Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
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A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
New favorite tiktok
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
[canadians at you, canadianly]