A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
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Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Have a lovely day 😊
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles