I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
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[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.